I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
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911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket