[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
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Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Alexa: *deep breath*
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.