“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
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“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
very niche meme I made
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Happy birthday to all the women
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape