This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
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who called it a toilet and not an IP address
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
May your day taste like creamy soup.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
That eye roll….
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.