[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
You Might Also Like
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.