God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
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being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit