I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
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I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I cannot call her anything else now
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”