My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
You Might Also Like
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.