The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
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Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.