Morning.
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A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I’m sorry…what?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Vodka burrito was a success
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land