*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
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[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation