Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
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*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.