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Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Holy moly
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater