“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
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Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.