What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
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Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
screw you
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol