A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
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Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
you will never know the true number of layers
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep