I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
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when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.