The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
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Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.