You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
You Might Also Like
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
that’s really how it is
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.