AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
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Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
just gave your address to some spiders
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…