You Might Also Like
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit