north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
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[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
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