At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
You Might Also Like
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.