Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
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With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
shampoo implies shampee