Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
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You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
*jazz hands*
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
sistine chapel
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.