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“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
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