Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
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Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Twitter remains undefeated
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh