Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
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My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”