If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
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Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Pigeon open mic night.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Breaking news:
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly