Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
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my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.