[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
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ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot