Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
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therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I was just discussing this with my cat
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.