Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
You Might Also Like
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.