FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
You Might Also Like
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
6: are snakes just neck?
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks