I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
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[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.