imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
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When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.