Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
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Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything