I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
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*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back