JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
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Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Double negatives are never not confusing.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
mood
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.