Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
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*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Said the murderer.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I don’t hate children, just yours.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.