Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
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People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
“That’s what” – She
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.