Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
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“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Great game to play with friends
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.