In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
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I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
This is I, Robot all over again
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.