Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
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*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
💻🤡
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.