That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
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My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.