I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives