Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
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Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.