[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
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[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
The three genders.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
This has made my week.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…