“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
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[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
You learn something every day
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?