The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
You Might Also Like
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.